PLease read an excerpt from my short story
l wrote this 6 months ago when l was in the middle of 6th grade...
/>The point was to show the effects that war takes on our veterans even
when they come home PLease critique grammar language and impact...
thank you Pa went into the small, poorly lit bathroom the two
of them shared. He had always intended to change that repulsive shade of
mint green in there, but there never seemed to be enough money for basic
items, much less for such frivolous luxuries. He laughed as he picked up the little, yellow rubber duck from inside of the tub. Regardless of how many times he told Josie to put it away after she was finished bathing, she would be a stubborn child and wouldn’t listen. No matter how much she looked like her mother, she would always be her father’s daughter. “Squeak, squeak,” Pa turned the knob of the faucet and water flooded the sink. He opened the medicine cabinet and a ceramic soap dispenser spilled suddenly from one of the shelves, crashing violently into the sink, leaving sharp and dangerous pieces everywhere. Pa’s hand began to tremble with fear; his entire body began to convulse destructively. Then, he just stared with the same shocked expression he had when saw his partner die while serving in the army. There was an explosive thunder. The shot whistled vociferously through the air, reaching the head of its target. There was blood everywhere and tears everywhere else… Pa approached the medicine cabinet and looked upon his shaking reflection. He flung the cabinet open and groped for his Prozac. He held the whole bottle to his mouth and took the six tablets that were left inside. He snatched a knife wrapped in cloth from off of the top shelf. He knew if he cut the front of his neck- he’d be finished with this, with life. He’d seen it done to the enemy a million times before. Pa held the knife to his throat and took two steps to see his pathetic face in the mirror. He stepped on something soft. “Quack,” Josie’s duck seemed to scream, the knife still clenched firmly in his palms. Pa began to tear softly as he took several gasping breaths, and then dashed the knife to the floor like a filthy rag. “Now he was a coward too,” he thought as he slithered into bed. bed, on his back on the verge of suicide. Never would she know what he had lost and never would she understand his sacrifice. “What a lucky girl,” he thought quietly as he drifted into sleep. omg im sorry l meant 9th grade...
Well...pretty darn good for the 6th grade. but some things
don't sound right.
why would a guy care about the color of a shade, and it is not really a
frivolous luxury. A lot of stuff like that that is a little bothersome.
Perhaps a bit overdone to make the point that he is having a tough time. I
did think the point where he stepped on the rubber ducky was touching. Like I said, pretty darn good for 6th grade. Sounds like a girl wrote this. Am I right?
I think its a pretty good story even though i dont like readin
and dont read much but i think it was pretty good and u mite wanted to
have copyrighted it cause ppl mite try to steal your story and take it
from themselves
i dont think a 6th grader could have written that
its ok. you could use some shadowing help but other wise its ok
but you really shouldn't be writing about things like this. writing is a
reflection of yourself.. keep that in mind
but seriously for a 6th grader this is brutal.
Very good! I like it!
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